Look I can still smile without YOU

I came back to my empty small apartment…I just took off my shoes and lay down on my bed. I did not know what to do. I was alone. I cried my hearts out. Did not know when I fall on sleep. I woke up in the evening. Then I realized that I had to call back Bangladesh to let my wife and parents know. I picked up the phone and told them that I was OK and reached USA safely.

I did not have any strength left. All I was thinking about her…I wanted to know how she was doing. I wanted to know how she managed. I wanted to know how she started living…I was thinking that why not I gave her my address and telephone number….I fell back on sleep again. I did not know what happened..

That look. That look… I could not get rid off that look. It was constantly flashing in front of me. I could hear her screaming ,” Save me, save me. I don’t want to go with a stranger. How could you leave me..? I hate you. I hate you,” I woke up in the middle of the night. Alone in an empty apartment…I broke down into tears. I started to hate myself. How could I ? How could I let her go with a total stranger..?

What should I do..? Where do I go..? How could I find her ? That look did not let me live in peace…I could see her all around me, I could not sleep. Her crying face was there. Everywhere, all around me I could not open my eyes. I could hear her saying, “How could you ?”

Next few days passed ..I was behaving like I was under influence of drug. I did not know how I passed my days and night…Every time I slept. She would be in front of my eyes. I kept dreaming about her…I started to take sleeping pill to sleep. I was going crazy…her crying face. Her touch. Her words, everything was hurting me. I was longing for one last touch from her…

My wife’s immigrant visa was granted and my wife and kid came. Slowly I got back into my life…..

But I could not forget her for even one second. She was always in my thoughts. Whenever I was on the street…in a shopping center….in subway train…my eyes used to look for her. I still wonder how my life would be with her..

Fast forward 17 years in 2009 ..I was in Queens Macy’s, doing some shopping for my son. I heard someone calling by my name. I looked up….I almost got a heart attack. There SHE was running after a little kid and calling him by that name.. I completely froze…I was looking for her from last 17 years. And there she was.

I promptly hid myself behind a clothing rack before she saw me…she was telling her son to behave. Her husband was with her. I kept looking at her, she looked as gorgeous as before. A bit heavier than before..

Tears came down my eyes. She did not see me, but she remembered me…I was happy that she kept her son’s name by my name…

I wanted to hold her ..I wanted to touch her. I wanted to know how she had been living the past 17 years. But I decided not to go in front of her. She was living her life. She looked happy. What more could I want for her..? I could not go in front of her. I did not want to disrupt her life…let her live.

I don’t know how much hard time she had to go through. Now she seemed to be happy. Let her live. I told her in my heart, “If I had to choose between breathing and loving her I would use my last breath to tell her.. “I love you.”

I walked away from Macy’s without buying anything from there. It was raining outside.I started to walk in the rain. I remember I told her before that she would find me in those rain drops. Rain kept washing off my tears, my tears…